So apparently i haven't really blog or updated my facebook status lately. i just figured that im so tired of living and hating other people has really succumbed the good in me.
so my birthday is like in like few weeks more and maybe i should listed some of my achievements and downparts of living/trudging on this universe.
When i was little, i look up to people who had been surviving for at least 2 decades and regard them as ADULT who has responsibility and all kind of superpowers. i assume most adult who are in their 20-s above are stable financially,career-wise,love and food-wise. i dont know. i just have that kind of mentality built inside my mind.
The Flop: im still a fucking student who binge on the allowance given by the government to me.i spurge and i starve (most of the time) and i asked (mum's the word). Money is seriously an issue that i have never really conquered since i was little. its never enough.
So my mother texted me yesterday that they are coming down here to fetch me.but she says that in a half-hearted manner. so i figure that it has somethings to do with inadequacy of cash. then my predictions were right. she was short on cash to pay for our house. well, we had sold our family car before and she had asked me to withdraw my savings (which is now literally empty). i wish i could help but i really don't know how.
And i really don't know what kind of satanic demon had possessed me in the other day, but i offered my virginity to an expats that i barely know via Facebook just so i could contribute and alleviate my family financial problem. i wake up in the morning feeling empty and almost hungover and i texted him:
"if i want to sell my virginity, will you buy it?".
to which he replied "I don't believe you're a virgin. Are you horny and wanting sex?".
and i said "i am a virgin.my mother is short on cash to pay for our house in T*l*p*k"
and he replied "Don't sell your virginity and don't sell yourself for sex.".
"but she sold our family car before.And i don't know what to do."
And he never replied.
I really don't know this kind of feeling.Why does adulthood has to be this hard? i think his act of not responding to my text is really something. its either he was scared that im a carrier of Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) or he's just a respectable good man. And then it crept on me. i felt embarrassed by my act of offering him my virginity and my sudden decision to become a certified call girl. i realised that i just lost one of my friend.
No i am not a lesbian. i just figured that i never really have a serious relationship after all. Are my overly protective/conservative parents to blame or is personal bubble to hard to be penetrated into,i fail to understand. i just never really grasp the 'commitment' issue. I see failed relationships everywhere and i particularly hate that feeling as if you're 'owned' by somebody and you have to report every fucking details of your mundane life to that particular somebody. No, im not against lovebirds but i just cant.
So, last week, i figure i should try to give some space and room for somebody. and i tried blind date.so, i manicured, pedicured, waxed, tried to fit into an ill-fitting dress and put on my killer heels (not to mention the extreme dieting and workouts i've done prior to that date), and then i was stood up. Divine.
I think after all those failed issue im dealing, i finally aced on this one. My body has gotten better with age. I managed to get rid of my excess baggage (75kg - 53kg) and i definitely feel good about it. Dealing with Bulimia Nervosa is a hurdle that ive successfully conquered and im glad and proud of it. Since i've converted into veganism, i've never felt better. Exercising regularly helps me a lot and looking at mirror makes the adrenaline in me spike (most of the time). I still have droopy lady bits and jiggly excess fat here and there but i promise that i'll make progress.
I think as i aged i tend to be forgetful than when im in my high school years.So going to swallow all that supplements.
Summary of life. 21 years of surviving.
so my birthday is like in like few weeks more and maybe i should listed some of my achievements and downparts of living/trudging on this universe.
1. Not Working Yet
When i was little, i look up to people who had been surviving for at least 2 decades and regard them as ADULT who has responsibility and all kind of superpowers. i assume most adult who are in their 20-s above are stable financially,career-wise,love and food-wise. i dont know. i just have that kind of mentality built inside my mind.
The Flop: im still a fucking student who binge on the allowance given by the government to me.i spurge and i starve (most of the time) and i asked (mum's the word). Money is seriously an issue that i have never really conquered since i was little. its never enough.
So my mother texted me yesterday that they are coming down here to fetch me.but she says that in a half-hearted manner. so i figure that it has somethings to do with inadequacy of cash. then my predictions were right. she was short on cash to pay for our house. well, we had sold our family car before and she had asked me to withdraw my savings (which is now literally empty). i wish i could help but i really don't know how.
2. Amalgamation of Being a Wallflower and Slut
And i really don't know what kind of satanic demon had possessed me in the other day, but i offered my virginity to an expats that i barely know via Facebook just so i could contribute and alleviate my family financial problem. i wake up in the morning feeling empty and almost hungover and i texted him:
"if i want to sell my virginity, will you buy it?".
to which he replied "I don't believe you're a virgin. Are you horny and wanting sex?".
and i said "i am a virgin.my mother is short on cash to pay for our house in T*l*p*k"
and he replied "Don't sell your virginity and don't sell yourself for sex.".
"but she sold our family car before.And i don't know what to do."
And he never replied.
I really don't know this kind of feeling.Why does adulthood has to be this hard? i think his act of not responding to my text is really something. its either he was scared that im a carrier of Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) or he's just a respectable good man. And then it crept on me. i felt embarrassed by my act of offering him my virginity and my sudden decision to become a certified call girl. i realised that i just lost one of my friend.
3. Love Down the Rabbit Hole
No i am not a lesbian. i just figured that i never really have a serious relationship after all. Are my overly protective/conservative parents to blame or is personal bubble to hard to be penetrated into,i fail to understand. i just never really grasp the 'commitment' issue. I see failed relationships everywhere and i particularly hate that feeling as if you're 'owned' by somebody and you have to report every fucking details of your mundane life to that particular somebody. No, im not against lovebirds but i just cant.
So, last week, i figure i should try to give some space and room for somebody. and i tried blind date.so, i manicured, pedicured, waxed, tried to fit into an ill-fitting dress and put on my killer heels (not to mention the extreme dieting and workouts i've done prior to that date), and then i was stood up. Divine.
4. Fiercing my Physique
I think after all those failed issue im dealing, i finally aced on this one. My body has gotten better with age. I managed to get rid of my excess baggage (75kg - 53kg) and i definitely feel good about it. Dealing with Bulimia Nervosa is a hurdle that ive successfully conquered and im glad and proud of it. Since i've converted into veganism, i've never felt better. Exercising regularly helps me a lot and looking at mirror makes the adrenaline in me spike (most of the time). I still have droopy lady bits and jiggly excess fat here and there but i promise that i'll make progress.
5. Mentality Fit
I think as i aged i tend to be forgetful than when im in my high school years.So going to swallow all that supplements.
Summary of life. 21 years of surviving.
